Belated New Year's Resolutions.. In Verse

Extract from "To An English Friend in Africa"

by Ben Okri

 

"Time is now a gift for you
A gift of freedom
To think and remember and understand
The ever perplexing past
And to re-create yourself anew
In order to transform time.

 

Live while you are alive.
Learn the ways of silence and wisdom
Learn to act, learn a new speech
Learn to be what you are in the seed of your spirit
Learn to free yourself from all things that have moulded you
And which limit your secret and undiscovered road.

 

Remember that all things which happen
To you are raw materials
Endlessly fertile

Endlessly yielding of thoughts that could change
Your life and go on doing for ever.

Never forget to pray and be thankful
For all the things good or bad on the rich road;
For everything is changeable
So long as you live while you are alive."

I heard the whole of this rather wonderful poem for the first time this afternoon.
If I had the gift of being able to write poetry, then I think my hopes and aspirations for 2018 might have shaped something a little like this.

It's hard to put my finger on the feeling exactly....I just feel as if it's taken two years to completely disentangle myself from the stresses of my old job.  I also spent a lot of 2017 very pre-occupied with worries about Thomas; family concerns; major house maintenance projects and HD stuff.  I was happy enough on a day-to day basis but very reluctant to make any major commitments beyond my private teaching, walking dates and regular 'coffee and catch ups' with my oldest/closest friends.

I've moved into 2018 with far more energy - physical, emotional and intellectual.  I think it can by partly attributed to the fact that we've moved back into 'worry-free' cat ownership.  It must also be a result of the life-changing news about HD just before Christmas.  I actually feel like I want to get my teeth into a proper project again.  One that might exhaust me a little, or take me out of my comfort zone.  I haven't got a clue what it might be... but this year I'm open to the potential.

"Watch this space..."  as they say!
Jx

 

Doing the Right Thing?

I really don't know...

 

Yesterday Mark and I went to see a couple of cats at a local Animal Rescue Centre.

We're going to go back and meet them again properly on Friday.

If one of them seems like the right sort of character to fit in with the way things roll in our house, then we'll bring them home after Christmas.

 

I found that I've been sinking into quite a low mood since Thomas died.

I hid it with my 'professional face' for a few weeks but everything just erupted on Friday night.

I've cried.... not just for Thomas, but for lots of other stuff as well.

Mark's been worried about me.

 

So I feel that it's the right time to settle and work with another younger cat...

My sister (who thought that she'd give herself at least six months between cats but actually lasted three weeks) is positive and supportive.  Some friends and teaching Mums, who thought I was doing suspiciously well, have made all the right noises of support too.

 

I was a upset by a text from a neighbour/friend this afternoon though.. "What about all the nice weekends away you were going to plan?  And what will Thomas (his spirit!!) think of it all?"

Not helpful really..... when I'm feeling totally wobbly.

 

To be honest, this is probably the first time when I've thought that it would be easier to deal with stuff if I was working.  It's hard to be based at home without the emotional checks, balances and distractions of the workplace.

 

Anyway, watch this space for further details...

I may just completely fail to bond with either of the cats and then we'll be 'back at square one'!

Jx



Beating the Blues..

This morning I was missing Thomas badly....

I tried to distract myself by doing some piano practice (I've got a accompaniment job coming up in 10 days time at the Birmingham Hippodrome) but my heart wasn't really in it.  So eventually I took myself off on my favourite walk by Worcester Racecourse and the River Severn.

 

While I was walking I made myself count my blessings.

At first it wasn't much more than "It's dry and mild.. and I'm not stuck in a classroom".

That was the best I could do for about half a mile.

 

 

Then.. "I'm so lucky to have this lovely space on my doorstep"

 

"I live in a city with a green heart...."

 

"I'm lucky that people constantly maintain the racecourse area and that it's open to everyone."

 

"Breaks in the clouds"

(a mile or so into the walk on the Sabrina footbridge)

"Even the old railway bridge is attractive as it crosses the river"

 

"I live in a really nice part of the world...."

"A river full of swans"

(the Worcester Swan sanctuary is home to many old swans who have lost their partners, and quite a few juveniles at this time of the year too)



 

Then I retraced my steps at speed to give myself some 'proper exercise'.

I'm still feeling a bit weepy but some fresh air definitely helped.

This afternoon I've got the distraction of several pupils, then I'm off to a Christmas concert at a local school this evening.  Tomorrow I'm going to do some serious tidying up in 'the back bedroom of shame'.  Then I'll be able to start organising Christmas gifts and maybe we'll both start to feel a bit more festive....

Jx

TWO YEARS... REALLY??!

As I watch my friends who are still 'at the chalk face' staggering towards the end of another academic year, I find it hard to believe that I'm actually almost two years into my life 'post teaching'.  There are elements of the job that I do miss.. especially the fun that I used to have when I was lucky enough to have time with super-motivated musicians... BUT I wouldn't go back for anything.

 

Nowadays I'm what can best be described as 'steadily busy'.  My days are always full of music, family, friends ..and keeping on top of house-related jobs.  I love the fact that I'm master of my own ship.  I rarely have that horrible, stress-inducing feeling of sinking under the weight of commitments.  I enjoy the fact that I can always re-schedule my day if some-one needs my time, or help in anyway.

 

 

I'm starting to enjoy myself as a musician too.  In the last three years of my teaching career I didn't touch my harp at all and I lost a lot of technique as a consequence.  Since I stopped work I've put HOURS of practice into my harp and I'm finally starting to sound confident and competent again.  On Sunday afternoon, Ness and I played a set in a concert in the local church.  For the first time I wasn't paralysed by nerves... Look, I'm even smiling in this photo!!!

 

I've got very little money but, as I'm time rich, I make things for people.  Last week I made this patchwork bag for my sister's birthday.  I love having the 'head space' to be creative.

 

 

It's funny... I read somewhere that it takes a month to recover from every year of stress that you've lived through.  I'd agree with this.  I worked for 26 years on adrenaline and it's taken the best part of 24 months to get it out of my system.  I felt better last summer - I feel immensely better this summer.  The only thing that suffered from this has been my waist-line... but that's the content of another post!!!!

Jx 

The Time Travelling Wife..

We bought this lovely little desk for the hall in around 2003.

At first we used it properly - keeping diaries, important paperwork, address books, envelopes and stamps in the various drawers and cubby holes.  As the world of communication moved on, it just became 'a nice vintage feature' in the hall..

 

 

Yesterday I had to clear it out as part of our grand tidy up for the new carpets.

I realised - with something of a shock - that I genuinely didn't know what was in there!

Most of the drawers I hadn't opened for the best part of a decade.

 

So I started at the bottom and worked upwards..

In the bottom drawer I was amazed to find a couple of work diaries from 2003 and 2004.

(Goodness knows what they were doing there. I can only assume that they also had some useful contact numbers or birthdays that I hadn't had time to transfer across to the post 2005 diaries.)

 

If you ever needed an illustration of how my job had expanded and become unmanageable - here's the first week of October for a Head of Music in 2003...

 

...and this double page spread is the same week in October 2014

(my last October in the job)

 

I also found a sheet of paper that reminded me that 2003 - 2007 was actually an extremely difficult period in our lives.  In the summer of 2003 Mark was very ill with Meningitis.  It took him years to get back to somewhere near full health.  The sheet was a report from his final (and successful) structured return to work in 2006/7.

 

It's funny how this collision of a few sheets of paper has got me thinking..

- I remembered that the man who wrote the report died two weeks later while he was on holiday.  He took a shower in his holiday apartment and the water was contaminated with Legionnaire's.

- I've been thinking about the coping mechanisms that we've put in place to help Mark deal with the fact that he hasn't got much in the way of a medium term memory.

- I've been thinking about our paper free world and wondering what there'll be for the family historian in the future..

 

But mostly I've been hit by the hard evidence of how teaching really has become so challenging.

Jx

My Lovely Husband..

 

Mark..

32 Years ago this evening we went on our first date.

You are the kindest husband.

 

You've shown your love in big ways..

- when you drove all the way to Geneva to rescue me when I was stranded by the Ash Cloud.

- as you've designed a sports car around my 'mood board' as a 50th Birthday present.

- when you drove all over the UK to find the 'perfect baby harp' for my new retired life.

 

But you also show your love in little ways..

- happily searching for fabric bargains in the discount corner of my favourite shops.

- fixing the pedal as quickly as possible on my vintage sewing machine.

- sharing your Salt and Vinegar Crisps.

 

It's not easy being married into a family with HD.

You take on the 50/50 chance of a compromised retirement and a major care role.

You're currently dealing with the challenges of my Mum.

 

I think you're amazing and I love you!

Jx

Absence...

I set myself a target last summer.

When I play the harp, I want to sound like some-one who has hours and hours of practice in their fingers.  I want to sound, competent, precise and assured...

 

 

Over the last few weeks I've lost myself for hours in my music.

Typically, I'm practising for 2 - 3 hours per day.

Last Sunday, I performed my first solo of the year - music memorised and rehearsed to a point where every play through was consistent (as close as I can get at this stage to a 'professional' performance.) 

I'm loving the process of giving quality time to something that I'm really passionate about... but I'm conscious of the fact that there's not a lot to post about...!

 

However..

I've kept up my clothes challenge and have completely avoided the jeans/hoodie combination.

My small private teaching practice is growing and I should have a little celebration when I finish teaching this afternoon (the first £1000 through the books).

I'm keeping fit by walking as far as possible every day.

I'm spending quality time with people who matter to me

.....so I suppose that I'm living my dream!

 

I confess that the whole process of blogging sometimes makes me feel rather guilty.

I'd love to be the perfect blogger - responding quickly to all your posts and posting regularly in return.  Unfortunately I don't have mobile access to the internet so all my posts are written on the computer in the study.  This seems to take ages so it falls down the list of priorities.  Then, when I realise that I haven't been near the 'blogosphere' for a while, I feel even guiltier.

In my previous life the comment would probably have been "Could do better!!"

How do you manage your blogging time?

Jx

Finally.... it's sorted!

After months of internet frustrations (which I won't bore you with).... I'm back!

 

The only good thing about thing about this enforced absence from the blogosphere is that I've had all the time in the world to craft for Christmas.  I've set my 'vintage' Singer up on the dining room table and almost every member of the family is getting a fabric gift of some sort on the big day...

 

I made the 16" cushion on the left for a raffle in October and Mum won it.  The colours are perfect in her lounge so I've made the 18" cushion on the right as her main Christmas present.  I'm delighted with the effect of the diagonal stripes and the smaller floral squares..

 

I've also made loads of fabric bags - which have cost me very little more than time.  (The Owl fabric was a massive bargain from Dunelm because I got 1/2 a metre for £1.50 when the sales assistant didn't cut quite straight, and the pink and beige stripes were a clearance piece from a fabric shop in France).  Even little pieces have found their way into coasters as stocking fillers...

 

So, I've got another cushion to finish (which is a combined house-warming and Christmas present for my B-in-L's partner) and three more bags to make.   After that, the 'fabric element' of Christmas will be just about complete!!  To be honest, I had some gorgeous fabrics for my birthday (a couple of weeks ago) and I can't wait to start doing some projects for my own home...

 

As for my 'no longer working' status..... I did wonder if I'd struggle when the days got shorter, wetter and cooler.  There's no worries on that front - I'm fine!  Over the last five or six weeks I've started to develop proper routines. Now I have regular coffee dates with loads of people;  I meet up with my crafting friend/neighbour;  I see my family most days and I can pour loads of energy and focus into the small amount of private teaching that I do.  It's great!!!!

 

We've also had the flexibility to have a couple of long weekends in November.  We spent the first one at the Classic Car Show at the NEC. (Probably not everyone's idea of fun, but Mark's silver car was on the Marcos stand and we both love standing around and chatting to the public about the process of building her...)

 

 

The second weekend was a romantic four night break in South Devon for my birthday.  This was the 'view from my pillow' at our B+B... the lovely 'Stoke Gabriel Lodgings' (in the village of Stoke Gabriel on the river Dart, near Totnes)

 

 

This post has ended up being something of a garbled set of 'November highlights'. 

It's going to take me a little time to catch up with all your news... but I'm so glad to be back!

Jx

Very, very wierd...

Earlier in the year my 'fantasy retirements mornings' were filled with harp practice, walking, regular blogging and keeping on top of the housework.  The afternoons were going to be more sociable - meeting friends, crafting, clubs, and my working with my instrumental pupils. 

Hmmmm...... at the moment I have absolutely no routine whatsoever.  Don't get me wrong - I'm having masses of fun and I'm loving every moment of it - but I've spent my whole life following rigid timetables so this feels very, very weird.  Even as a teenager, my life was completely regimented by a programme of practice, homework, orchestras and clubs.  My 'Fly Paper Memory' (everything sticks to it!) means that I could probably still work out what I was doing at 4.30 pm on a Tuesday in February 1984.  I have 26 years of teaching timetables stuck in my memory archives too.

At the moment I'm trying to bring a small sense of 'order' to this apparent free-flow.  Each morning I write a little list of tasks for the day, then each week I write a more general and aspirational lists.  I must confess that I feel better when I've started to tick these tasks as completed.  (Old teaching habits die very hard.....!)

However I can see that the benefits of all this flexibility and I'm trying not to beat myself up if I my lists remain un-ticked for a few days.  Last Friday afternoon my piano pupil cancelled, so Mark and I took the chance to enjoy a walk in the sunshine through Worcester.  I'm so glad that I had my camera with me because the colours were amazing...

 

The river was really still, which gave some great reflections...

 

On Saturday I had plenty of time to prepare H's celebration meal

(H is next to her Dad at the top of the table)

 

...and on Tuesday morning I spent a couple of hours making a fabric bag for H's charity raffle at the beginning of November.  (This is another 'stash-busting' project - using some 1990s Dorma fabric from my Mum's hoard and some pretty pink/white lining.  The Raffle is going to raise money for Breast Cancer so I thought the pink was appropriate.)

 

And today....

This morning I'm collecting Mum from church in an hour or so then we're driving over to the Cotswolds to collect some specialist car parts for Mark.  It's about 2 hours driving through a lovely part of the world, so Mum's coming along for a natter and lunch.  We will probably get back around mid-afternoon.  After that I've got harp practice to do (and I'd like to start cutting out an apron).  At 5.15 I'm leaving the house again and walking down to my sisters for a catch up chat.  She lives two miles away so that walk covers my daily exercise regime.  Once I get home again it will be time to make dinner, catch up with Mark, maybe make up the apron, then bath and bed!

 

SO MUCH NICER than school politics and marking!

(This week a number of former colleagues have contacted me for the first time.  It seems that things are seriously 'sour' and everyone seems to be trying to second guess the intentions of the SMT.  Ugly rumours about restructuring, cost cutting etc are rife... I hate to see my friends under so much pressure - but it also makes me feel even more content with the path I've chosen.)

 

I hope that you are having a good week.

Jx

So - the reality of the 'Great Escape'...

So far, so good.... 

I am spending more quality time with my parents.  I've completely lost the 'inner stressy voice' that was constantly auditing the hours of my day and the unrealistic amount of work that I still had to complete.  I've given up clock-watching.

Mark is amazed to find that, even though he's still working long hours in his very stressful job, he's more relaxed because he doesn't have to listen to my 'work woes'.  He's also gained time on his commute because he doesn't have to drop me at work first, then fight his way through Solihull rush hour traffic in the evening to collect me.  He's also gained time because I'm doing all the 'background house jobs' during the week.  As a result, he's got more physical and emotional energy, and has even started to work on his projects in the garage again.

We are financially secure, providing that I continue to be 'quietly frugal' on a day to day basis.  To be honest, we don't have a mortgage or children, so we could easily live off Mark's salary.  However, I saved almost 80% of my salary in the last 12 months to create a 'financial cushion' (in addition to other savings) and I've got a small number of private pupils starting in the Autumn.  At this stage, it feels good to still be earning SOME money....and I'm definitely looking forward to teaching without the politics of a large institution.

Most importantly, I'm giving time to my own emotional and physical fitness.  I practice my harp every day for an hour or so after breakfast.  When my back starts to complain, I pop on my shoes and do a brisk four mile walk round the north side of Worcester.  The rest of day is divided up between family and friends, crafting, house jobs, the occasional lesson and more practice (if a performance is looming).  I thought, by this stage in the holidays, that I might miss the 'ramp up' to the new term.   Absolutely not!  I WILL miss a small group of pupils who were important to me but I've lost any inclination towards classroom teaching whatsoever.

I'm making steady progress through a small bucket list of 'Things I couldn't do while I was a teacher'.  Mark and I are going to South West France in September.  We have built a three-centre holiday around a classic motor-racing event that we have always wanted to attend.  It's very exciting.  I have also learnt the basics of machine patchwork and now my imagination is full of little crafting projects.  I've wanted to learn this skill for years and I'm so proud of my first few efforts!   We are also going away for a four-day break on my birthday weekend at the end of November.  (Every year I asked if we could go away, even for one night, and Mark always vetoed it on the grounds of concerts, parents evenings and report-writing exhaustion.) 

We've also booked Le Mans Classic in July 2016.  (We went in 2008 but I had to take two days of un-paid leave.)  After 26 years of being tied to school holidays, we are still exploring the best way to spread Mark's annual leave from Land Rover across the rest of 2016.

So, on balance, things are going well.  I'm sure that grey clouds will sometimes cover my current blue skies - but nothing would induce me to go back to a Head of Department job in any school at the moment.  I'm off now to finish another patchwork cushion.  Expect a 'crafty' post with lots of pictures next.
Jx

Nice Stuff... for Free

.1. Walks with my camera and dramatic distant views.

.2. Sunny mornings in the conservatory (with a book from 'Books for Free' in Droitwich.)

.3. Kind teenagers, who still hold doors open and genuinely care.

.4. A couple of hours chatting quietly with a very ill friend.

.5. Designing the first of a few personalised leaving presents for the colleagues who really matter.

.6. Some fabulous quality and condition 1960s fabric from my Great-Aunt's stash

(in a bag of fabric from my Mum last weekend)

.7. Kind words from Parents at the recent concerts.

.8. Cuddles from Husband... and Cat

.9. The prospect of a Bank Holiday weekend...!

 

To be honest, I'm a bit tired and fed up at the moment.

Mark is being an absolute rock...

I do love him!!!!!

Jx

My Saving Habit...

I was brought up in the 1970s by a stay at home Mum.  We had a car and a telephone (on a 'party line'!) - but these came with Dad's job as a District Surveyor for a national Engineering Insurance Company and we wouldn't have had them otherwise.  Dad was great at budgeting his salary so there was 'just enough' money to do things.  Mum was an amazing crafter and creative cook, so she stretched the housekeeping as far as possible.  However, I was used to hearing the words "Sorry Jan we can't afford this" pretty much all the time I was growing up.  From a very early age I was taught - "If you want it, you save for it.  Don't have a Credit card.  The only loan you should have is your mortgage."

I've been fortunate enough to be in a situation where I've been able to live by these rules all my life.  (I do recognise that many people are forced to take credit or loans when they haven't wanted them because life has dealt them some really bad luck - I am really lucky here!).  I still save for things, then buy them - and I don't have a credit card.   I also don't have children and I'm married to some-one who is on a similar 'professional' salary to me..... so money has been 'sloshing' around for years.

By habit and nature, I've always liked to keep my spending down.  My wardrobe is factory shop clearance and thrift, rather than designer.  Mark is a 'fixer' and does all the work on the cars and the house (which saves an immense amount of money).  We like to have our weekends away and days out - but it comes with the proviso that this is 'value for money'.  We have an ancient TV and avoid other electrical gadgets and the cycle of up-grades that seems to be a feature of 21st Century living.  We 'look after things' and keep our wear and tear to a minimum.

For the last 20 years, I've saved well over 50% of my salary every month.  Around 5 years ago I paid off the mortgage.  I've also funded Mark's car building project; I've replaced the windows in the house and paid for the conservatory; and I'm still saving like a maniac! 

Now I'm starting to wonder if my saving habit is actually an addiction.... (or some kind of Obsessive/Compulsive/Control Freak thing....Ha ha!!)  When I decided to move on from teaching, I started a new financial regime.  I wanted to see if I could live for a sustained period on less money.  I also wanted to try and create levels of 'financial buffer' so that I had space to make 'real choices' in the Autumn.  My saving obsession is now in full flight - in February I saved close to 80% of my salary.  Seriously.. I appear to be 'saving on my saving'.

However, I'm not sat here being a penny pinching miser!  Over the last few months I feel like I've really enjoyed and appreciated the money that I have spent.  In a strange sort of way I feel like I'm 'buying time' and it feel good.
Jx

Not Waving But Drowning?

Things have got pretty muddled here in the last few weeks.  I'm finding it really difficult to untangle the "good busy times" from the "bad stress times" because they both seem to have the same time pressure attached..

The nice things are...
~ Having my harp back.  (The only down side is that it needs tuning at least once per day following the major sound board and re-string surgery.  This takes around 10-15 minutes per tune... and obviously I want to have a play afterwards!)
~ Starting a few private pupils.  (These lovely people will become the basis of my new income stream in September.  Unfortunately it feels like I'm doing two jobs at the moment!)
~ Friends' birthdays and Family Celebrations. (The stuff that makes the world worthwhile)
~ Decent weather.  (Mark and I love days out, walking for miles and photography)
~ Mid-week evening commitments (The monthly meeting for the car club tomorrow; my niece playing a movement of the Bruch Violin Concerto with her school orchestra on Thursday evening - lovely things with the people who matter.)

The bad things are...
~ Level 2 Btec coursework marking (It's taking me 45 minutes per candidate to complete the marking and paperwork.  There are 28 candidates for this Year 11 unit.  Currently I'm doing all this extra work in my own time.)
~ A poor appointment last Thursday for the second in department job (THEN the SMT decided to invite this teacher to start at Easter so I will have to find time to induct them to the department... the sixth new person this year!  I feel like some-one. some-where is having a laugh at my expense.)
~ A strong sensation that this short half-term is galloping by.

You know that I'm not moaning about my 'lot in life'.... it's just that I'd like the time to appreciate the good things properly. 

It's at times like these that I know I made the right decision when I handed in my notice.
Jx

All manner of things shall be well...

I captured this tree silhouette about 10 days ago....

I encountered these lyrics for the first time yesterday...

"Loud are the bells of Norwich and the people come and go

Here by the Tower of Julian I tell them what I know.

Ring out bells of Norwich, and let the winter come and go...

All shall be well again, I know

Ring for the yellow daffodil, the flower in the snow

Ring for the yellow daffodil and tell them what I know

Ring out bells of Norwich, and let the winter come and go...

All shall be well again, I know"

~

This week has already hit me with a new wave of Senior Management Team madness, but I'm holding on to the serenity of Julian of Norwich in the echo of the final line.

~

Sending love and best wishes to a number of my readers who are currently unwell.  Jx